


Fear

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s04e19 Angel Maintenance, F/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-05-03
Updated: 2005-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-15 19:59:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14796971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: But I fear I have nothing to give, I have so much to loose here in this lonely place, Tangled up in our embrace, There's nothing I'd like better than to fall





	Fear

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

********************************

A Georgetown Street, Late

I watch her get out of her car, even after the night she’s had, even though I know she’s tired she’s still graceful, still poised. I get up off her doorstep where I’ve been waiting, waiting with my hopes and my fear.

“C.J”

She looks up and she smiles, we walk slowly towards each other, things are different now, and I’m not sure what to say, what to do, what’s next.

We stand in front of each other and her eyes search my face, I don’t know what she’s looking for but she smiles and I think she found it.

“Are you scared?”

It’s the echo of an earlier question, one from years before and I wonder if she realises, but this time I’m not going to babble about coconut oil and hot towels, I’m honestly not.

“Yes” my voice hands in the air for a moment.

She looks rueful “Me too, I’m not sure how this is supposed to go”.

“Me neither. But I think it should be something like this”. I reach out and take her in my arms, we don’t kiss, I just hold her and she relaxes, lets go of a breath I didn’t realise she was holding and rests her head on my shoulder. I bring up a hand and stroke her hair.

I’m still scared, afraid I have nothing to offer this woman, afraid she’s beyond my reach, so much more than I deserve…but my love is greater than my fear, and it’s fear that has brought me here. Fear gave me a voice.

 

Earlier that night, Sam’s house, Georgetown.

 

I’m trying to work through the briefing papers for Monday, I mean I was Deputy Communications Director at the White House for four years but the paperwork I had in front of me then is nothing to what I have as the Freshman Congressman for the California 47th. I’m really appreciating just how much the Communications staff did for Toby and I just now. Next time Josh and I meet up for lunch I swear I’m going to get him to be nicer to Donna…I mean she could just let him be buried in paperwork and he’d never know what hit him.

The TV’s on in the background, though the sound’s off it’s the Wizards v the Clippers and the result may be a foregone conclusion but I’m still checking it occasionally, after all they may rally – stranger things have happened.

It’s almost a surprise when the ‘phone rings, it’s my ‘White House’ cell phone and there’s only a handful of people who have the number…it’s the only phone I never ignore, my reaction to it is positively Pavlovian – it rings I answer.

“Seaborn”

“Hi Sam” it’s C.J and I can’t help but smile.

“Hi. How’s it going?” I’m delighted to hear from her but hope it doesn’t show in my voice.

“Not too good”

“Long flight back from Manila?”

It comes out in a rush, her words falling into each other, she doesn’t have to be calm about it the way she does for the press, for Leo or for the President. “We can’t get down. “

I’m alert now, sitting up on the sofa “What’s happening?”

She tries to calm herself, breathes deeply “The light that indicates that the landing gear is locked didn't go on, which usually indicates that there's something wrong with the light. But what they're going to do is, they've sent a fighter jet to fly up alongside and get visual confirmation that it's down, and then we land. Here's the tricky part, I can’t tell the Press and there’s going to be an Air Force Strikefighter outside the window in about 20 minutes. I’m good but I’m not that good”

I take a deep breath, okay I’m scared now. Scared for her, for the President, for the ‘plane, but if I’m honest mostly for her. I could protect C.J at Rosslyn and I didn’t think twice about it. I can’t help her now and I hate how hopeless it makes me feel.

“What can I do?”

“Call Leo, if this goes wrong, then he’s going to need you. They all will”. She knows how it sounds when she says it, but she has to be practical, it’s what she does.

“Who’s still at the office?” I’m not asking who is with her; I don’t want the list of names. I know about the two people I care about on that flight and that’s enough. And I know her time is precious, though part of me wants to keep her talking until she’s safely on the ground.

“Leo, Josh and Toby.”

Oh this is bad on so many levels. “I’ll call Leo. And C.J call me back when you can, keep me posted okay?”

“Okay”

She hangs up and I’m left holding the receiver, and my mind is filled with the words I didn’t say. The things I’ve waited over four years to tell her and now I may never get the chance. I always thought there would be time for me to tell her, for me to find my voice…..I never thought I’d be wrong about having that time, never planned for it and I don’t know what’s going to happen if I’m wrong.

I pick up my phone, because I want to leave the cell free in case she calls me back, and dial the White House Switchboard “It’s Sam Seaborn, Leo McGarry please”. I’m pacing while I wait to be connected and the hand that isn’t holding the ‘phone is clenching and unclenching, I’m not conscious of it until I see my reflection in the living room window, my own worried eyes staring back at me.

“Hi Leo its Sam”

“Sam, this isn’t a good time right now”

“I know, I heard. C.J called me”

There’s silence from Leo’s side of the phone, I continue, wondering how Leo can sound so calm “She told me because if anything happens she thought you guys might want some assistance and I wanted you to know I’m available”.

“You’re a Congressman” is all Leo says, though he sounds surprised.

“I’m a friend”

“Okay, you’re in the loop on this one. Just don’t breathe a word till they’re back on the ground. It’s going to be an indicator light”. I’m not sure which of us Leo’s trying to convince.

Leo hangs up; he’s never been one to waste words, or time.

It seems like forever until the Cell rings again.

“Hey Sam”

“Hi C.J, What do you know?”

“Not much more than we did last time. The Jet came up, flew alongside and looked underneath”

“And?”

“They can’t tell, there’s no moon tonight and they can’t see under the ‘plane and we’re going to need fuel soon. This isn’t going to be too much trouble apparently; they’re just going to land something on top of us to do it”

She sounds calm but I know C.J and I wonder just how much of that calm is a front.

“What happened with the Press and the flyby?”

She makes a snort of not quite laughter “They didn’t buy the distraction but I never really thought they would. I gave them all I could, the truth, and had the ‘phones to the cabin switched off so they can’t file on what they have until we land, and that’s making me really popular in there right now”

I stand in my living room and wish I was with her, wish I didn’t feel so damn helpless. If there’s one thing I’ve discovered in the last five years with the campaigning and being in the West Wing, it’s that I can make a difference, I’m not used to being powerless over something now and I hate it, hate it.

“How do you feel?”

She thinks for a moment “I don’t know” she says after a while. “I’ve got to believe we’re going to get down, and get down in one piece, because if I don’t then I’m going to be no use to anybody, but I don’t know how this is going to turn out Sam. We’re going to have to do a really low flyby at Andrews, see if they can see anything”

“Keep me posted?” because I know I can’t tell her what it’s like for me to be here on the ground, not knowing what’s happening. I can’t tell her how scared I am and why without telling her everything and now’s not the time. Because I’m about ready to ask God if He’s going to take C.J away before I’ve had chance to say all those things I’ve been saving to tell her for the last four, nearly five years. Because I thought there would be time to get up my nerve tell her how he felt and maybe time’s not on his side.

“I will, thanks Sam, I mean it” I know she does, I can hear it in her voice.

“Where are you now?”

“Somewhere over Central Tennessee”

“What? How did you end up out there!?”

“They took us off the Jet routes. It’s going to take an hour and 15 minutes to get back up to Andrews”.

“Are you doing anything with that time?”

“Briefing the press”

“After you’ve briefed the press call me back? You can talk to me till you guys land and then I’ll take you out for a drink. Sounds like you’re going to need one after all this is over”.

“Sounds good to me Spanky. Sounds really good”

“Meet at your place? Will give you time to get your bags stowed”

“This is sounding better all the time” she’s smiling now I can hear it in her voice.

“But first I have to go to work”.

“Then go, I’ll be here when you’re done”.

She hangs up on me then. And I’m left staring at the ‘phone but there’s one thing I’m going to do, I swear to God and anyone else that may be listening, if C.J gets down safely tonight I’m going to take her out, ply her with alcohol and tell her I’m in love with her. I promise I’m not putting this off anymore because I want a future with her in it and the possibility of one without her is right in front of me and it’s bleak, it’s cold and it’s frightening. I want to call Josh or Toby but I can't tell them what’s on my mind, that’s when I realise it’s at times like this I usually call C.J and we talk, or I go over, or she comes here or we all go out together the five of us. Josh is my best friend, he and Toby are like my brothers, Toby’s the grouchy, sarcastic older brother, and I smile because wouldn’t he just love that being pointed out to him? But there are things I can’t tell my brothers, and those things are what I tell C.J.

There’s a breakfast meeting at the Hill tomorrow, I don’t have to be there but I should go and if I’m going I need to read those briefing papers on my desk, I pick up a folder though I know my thoughts are somewhere else, with a 747 crossing the night sky, maybe some of it will go in. If ‘planes could land on shear force of will alone they’d be no problem getting them back safely tonight but if wishes were horses….let’s just say there’d be such a huge herd in Washington there’d be no space for the people

I’m part way through a report on the appropriations budget for Congressional stationary for the next five years and thinking this is the sort of report I’d never have read back in the West Wing. Its heavy going anyway but the fact I have to read every page twice isn’t helping, and I’ve got one ear cocked for the ‘phone, okay I’m lying – both ears.

When it does finally go I’m off the couch in seconds, I’ve got the receiver in my hands before it’s managed to ring more than twice, and if it’s anyone other than C.J it’s going to be the quickest call on record, trust me on this.

It’s her, she speaks before I do.

“That was quick Sam, were you waiting by the ‘phone?” she’s teasing me but I give her the honest answer anyway.

“Yes”

There’s a silence for a moment and she says softly “Thank you. I didn’t mean to worry you….” The sentence hangs there unfinished, I think I know what she’s saying though because those late night calls between us have never just been one way, I’m who C.J comes to when she needs to talk too. It must be driving her crazy because there’s no one up there she could be honest with about this, she can't show the Press she’s concerned, can't let the President know and doesn’t trust Will enough yet to share it with him. I have a feeling sometimes that C.J, Toby, Josh and Donna resent Will for taking my place in the office, no one has ever said anything outright but it’s just a feeling I have.

“Its okay” I smile at the ‘phone “I’m always here when you need me” and even when you don’t.

“What’s the latest?”

“We’re going to buzz the tower at Andrews sometime in the next ten minutes and then we’ll know for sure”

“How are you feeling?”

“I don’t know, I’ll tell you in ten minutes” there’s a nervous laugh and then she takes a deep breath “I’m not going to be sure how I feel about this until it’s all over”.

I want to hold her then, so badly, reassure her and tell her it’s going to be okay but I can't. And I’ve never lied to C.J, though I admit there are times I’ve not been totally honest with her but I’m not going to lie to her now.

We’re silent for a while, and I can picture her sitting in the office holding the phone to one ear.

And that’s when I opened my mouth, without engaging my brain….and I know that I’m known for saying exactly what’s on my mind and sometimes at the most inconvenient times but I don’t think I’ve ever done anything like this before, and it’s driven by fear. Fear of what’s going to happen in the next ten minutes, a cold fear that’s gripping me... Because just like Rosslyn all those years ago I can see a future without C.J in it…and I don’t want that future….

“I love you”

There’s a stunned silence from the other end of the line. I’m not at Gage Whitney anymore trying to sell corporate responsibility and better oil tankers, I’m not in the White House trying to get us to do the right thing…this is personal…and it’s important, so very, very important.

Josh tells me I’ve got a good poker face, I practiced it enough at Princeton but I’ve just taken the biggest gamble of my life, and the silence stretches for what feels like years.

Finally she breaks it, “Sam?” her voice sounds a little uneven, I’m hoping it’s because she’s surprised rather than that she’s angry.

“Yes”

“What did you just say?”

I take a deep breath, “I love you”.

“And when were you planning on telling me this?” her voice sounds calm, but I know C.J and I’m not convinced.

“Well I was planning on doing it when you got back on the ground, but I suddenly realised in 8 and a half minutes you’re going to be really busy one way or another, and I wanted you to know….”

“When did this happen?”

“The first campaign” I have to give her honesty, it’s all I have, that and the fear…

“But you never said…” her voice contains disbelief now and possibly amazement.

“Because what can I offer you?” the answer’s almost torn from me and the anguish in my voice makes me wince.

“You’re Smart, Witty, Beautiful, this amazing woman and me? I’m me, I’m dumb, most of the time I’m playing smart”.

She laughs gently “Oh Sam, we’re all only playing smart. You know the best advice Leo gave me when I started working on the campaign?”

“No”

“Fake it ‘till you make it”.

I take a deep breath, “I don’t want to lose you”.

“You won’t Sam, I promise. Look let me get down and we’ll talk, but let’s skip the bar okay? I think I have some beer in my fridge”

“Sounds good.” I take a deep breath “I do you know”

“Do what?”

“Love you”

“I believe you Sam; let’s talk when I get down okay?”

“Okay”

She hangs up and he’s left standing staring out of the window into the darkness holding his cell phone.

****

Okay.

Okay.

I think I might be hyperventilating. Would it be inappropriate if I asked the President for a paper bag? Maybe, under the circumstance, just a little.

Okay.

What am I supposed to do now? Seriously? I don't know how I get myself into these situations, I really don't. Well, I suppose I could trace it back to the day Toby came to recruit me... You know what, I'm rambling. And rambling is not condusive to focusing, and I really need to focus. But what on? The press and how I have to get them through this situation, or Sam. My friend Sam. The Sam I just had to call to hear his voice, because I knew the mere sound of it would calm me. Would reassure me that somewhere in the world, outside if this place, was normality. And, okay, I wanted to speak to him because... well I just did.

He's my friend, the person I call when I need to hear a friendly voice, when I need good advice, when I want to smile. When I feel lonely. And you know what, usually I'm lonely ‘cause he's not there.

Okay, this is not focusing. I promised myself I'd choose - Sam or the press, Sam or the press? Not really a tough decision actually. But that's under normal circumstances, and these are definitely not normal.

Sam just told me he loves me. Sam. Sam Seaborn. My friend. Apparently he's had these feelings for a long time, since the beginning. Does that mean I'm allowed to tell him about the feelings I might have for him. Those feelings I've tried to pretend, actually that's not true... The feelings I've completely ignored, the ones I take out and examine now and again, because if I did it with greater frequency it would be too much. Because he's Sam, my beautiful, kind friend.

And he loves me, apparently.

This day just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

********

Airforce One Night.

C.J. is standing up against the wall swaying. Ed and Larry walk up to her.

“Are we near the tower?”

“Gear's down.” Larry tells her smiling

“What?” she needs to hear it again, because she realises that her mind’s not paying attention, she’s thinking about Sam…

“They got the indicator light.” Larry explains still smiling.

Ed finishes Larry’s explanation, these two can finish each other’s sentences and most people still have trouble telling them apart. “They recycled the gear, and the light went on this time. We're landing.”

C.J. smiles and grabs Ed and kisses him on the lips then walks away.

As she heads towards the Press Cabin Larry’s plaintive comment flats back to her “I was the one who said it first!”

She smiles to herself, and reaches for a ‘phone, she knows who she’s going to call.

She doesn’t need to say his name, he answers and the first thing he says is her name.

“C.J” she can hear the worry in his voice, the fear and she knows she’s smiling.

“They’ve recycled the gear and the light came on this time, we’re landing Sam”

She hears him sigh with relief

“Thank God. Thanks for letting me know.”

“It’s okay”

“I love you C.J”

“I know” and she does and it feels good, she tells him the truth, because he deserves it “I love you too”

There’s a stunned silence from the phone and then when his voice comes it carries a note of wonder “Really?”

“Really, Really. Let’s talk when I get down, I think it’s overdue”

He laughs “see you then”.

She hangs up and picks up the ‘phone again, smiling broadly and yanks open the curtains to the press cabin.

****

Okay.

Okay.

I said it. I didn't mean to, saying the actual words were not part of my plan on focusing.

But... He was so sweet, and I could feel the emotion in his voice when he spoke to me. It made me feel loved and it made me want to give him a little of that feeling back. I wanted him to know how full he made my heart when he offered me his words, so I did that the best way I know how. I told him that I loved him too.

I think I really might need to ask someone for a paper bag, appropriateness be damned. I can't wait to get off this plane; I want to walk on solid ground. Except I can't be sure if the solidness of the actual ground, because...

Sam loves me, and it's real. And about to get a whole lot more so when I leave this plane. I really don't know where this is going, and that's scary. But life and death situations are becoming commonplace, so a beloved friend telling me of his feelings should not be a problem. So I don't know where this is going, but do I have to? I'm the woman people come to for answers. Well, this time, I don't want to be that woman. I think I should have all the answers right now, and my whole future does not have to be decided today. Maybe it's enough that someone wants to love me. Maybe that's the only answer we ever really need.

But I should leave these thoughts now, end my day dream, and go talk to some people. They've waited long enough tonight.

*******

“Signal, this is C.J. Cregg. Please turn the phones back on in the press cabin.”

The reporters all start to cheer and applaud.

We're landing. We got an indicator light. You should feel free to file. Thank you all very much.

She stands in the doorway looking solemn. She's about to say something when Steve speaks.

“Thank you, C.J.”

Mark and Katie join in “Thank you, C.J.””C.J., thank you.”

She smiles as they all thank her.

“Thank you.” She tells them because what else is there to say

She leaves the room which has become a hive of activity and takes her seat in the Staff cabin.

“Oh” she mutters to herself, it’s been a long night

She sits, and Will walks up to her.

“You heard?”

“Yeah.”

“Sit down.”

He sits obediently.

“I was meaning to ask you. Why did you ask about the front wheel before? You asked the Colonel if it was the front wheel.”

Will looks at her for a moment, as though deciding how best to answer. “Well, if you have the rear wheels, you can try a hard landing where you come down hard on the back wheels in an effort whack the front into place.”

“To whack it into place?”

“Yes.”

“I'm so happy I didn't have that information.”

“If you hit it wrong, the plane breaks in half.”

“It just suddenly worked?”

“The gear?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“I'm not sure I'm good at living in a world where that kind of thing is possible.”

“But you are.”

“I imagine myself destitute, I imagine myself unlucky in love. But I never imagine my life would be in danger with really uncommon frequency. It feels a little bit good, doesn't it?”

“No.”

“Yes, it does.” Because Sam’s told her he loves her, and she’s told him she feels the same way, and tonight they will talk.

“I'll make jokes when this whole bullfight with gravity is over.”

As they settle in their chairs the voice of Colonel Weiskopf comes over the P.A system “Well, ladies and gentlemen, from the flight deck, this is Colonel Weiskopf. From the hooting and hollering we can hear through our cockpit door, you've no doubt heard that we have a clear indicator light on our landing gear, and we are cleared for landing at Andrews Air Force Base. For those keeping score, our total flight time will have been 22 hours and 13 minutes using three separate flight crews along the way. We will have travelled 10,700 air miles on our return trip, a significant portion of it the over West Virginia and Tennessee. White House staff on the ground informs us that while airborne on this flight, three separate pieces of legislation have been negotiated and initialled by the President. We've had an engagement, a birthday, and the nation of Colombia was recertified as an ally in our war against drugs. I hope you won't consider this time we've spent together a waste. And now I'm being handed... Hang on just one moment... Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, they're going to move us to runway three-niner. There's a strong wind shift under 10,000 feet, so Andrews approach has asked us to abandon our descent, make a 30-degree right turn and maintain our current altitude. I'm sure we'll be down in no time now.”

C.J can't help it; she throws her head back and laughs. It's a rich sound and Will can’t help smiling, despite the fact he’s gripping his seat arms for dear life.

She lifts her head from my shoulder and we look into each other’s eyes, there’s so much we have to say to each other, and we have the time, we have the chance and despite the fear I’m not going to waste it.

I lean forward and brush her lips with mine, and as the kiss deepens I know there’s nothing I wouldn’t give to be here, now.

But I fear   
I have nothing to give.   
I have so much to loose here in this lonely place.   
Tangled up in your embrace   
There's nothing I'd like better than to fall.   
But I fear I have nothing to give.

************************

Fear

Morning smiles   
Like the face of a newborn child,   
Innocent, unknowing.

Winter's end   
promises of a long lost friend.   
Speaks to me of comfort

But I fear   
I have nothing to give.   
I have so much to loose here in this lonely place.   
Tangled up in your embrace   
There's nothing I'd like better than to fall.   
But I fear I have nothing to give.

Wind in time   
Rapes the flower trembling on the vine   
And nothing yields to shelter it from above.   
They say temptation will destroy our love.   
The never ending hunger

But I fear   
I have nothing to give   
I have so much to loose here in this lonely place   
Tangled up in our embrace   
There's nothing I'd like better than to fall   
But I fear I have nothing to give.   
I have so much to loose.   
I have nothing to give.   
We have so much to lose...


End file.
